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This Thursday in group we talked about Michael. He passed away a year ago.

Before his passing I experienced a loss through a friend of mine.  His grandchild was born and passed away on the same day.  The news was very sad and unexpected.

I planted a Cherry tree for the baby on my property.  Shortly after the baby’s passing Michael also passed away.  I wanted to plant a tree for Michael as well.   I could not find a tree that would match Michael’s Charisma.  The Spring was short and Summer was busy, so when Winter came I knew that I would have to wait until next Spring to find a tree.  Spring came and so my search for the right tree began. As I was walking around my property I then noticed a tree in my garden that had grown over three times the size it was last spring.  It was a sturdy Pine tree. It was a bold tree that had different colored tips and layers, just like Michael.

It was then that I realized, Michael had chosen his own tree, not me. This tree was in the front part of the garden, just like Michael was the front man of our group.

I was also inspired to write this poem about Michael and our Thursday morning Grouptherapy.

Candy

 

This Thursday

Traveling in pairs

and on their own

pleasant smiles are exchanged

with bowing friendly nods

 

Favourite chairs are chosen

placed like puzzle pieces

sitting in a circle

of golden lights

 

Walking shoes bring guests

to hear

the gentle tears

of melting hearts

 

Quiet to listen

looking

at the empty chair

hearing about his fate

 

Who knew

we were talking

about a love story

on this Thursday.

This will be my last week as a Guest Writer for the Blog, at least for a while! I have enjoyed my time so much! Dr. Sohail will return but the weeks coming will be very exciting as we have invited others to contribute as Guest Writers as well, so stay posted!

So for this week’s topic… I want to borrow an idea from the work environment that is a very valuable tool in relationships, and that is booking protected time for the business and fun of your relationships. In my personal life and in my work with couples, I suggest a Date Night and what I call The State of the Union Meeting. If you are not just focusing on your individual relationships but are part of a family, we recommend having a regular, usually weekly, Family Dinner and Family Meeting.

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Michael had been brutally beaten on the streets when he was a child. Not surprisingly, when he was a teenager he began to hit back. He became a fighter and a powerful boxer. But as an adult, he grew to be a lover, a friend, a devoted husband and an inspiration.
A year ago this week we lost a dear person who many people at our clinic loved.He was a role model in our Thursday morning Grouptherapy.  Recently his beloved wife brought in the poem below. It was a worn laminated poster that, for many years, had a place of honor on the bulletin board in our Group Room. She said, “I think Michael had given this as a gift to the Group and I wanted to bring it back here! ”

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As promised some time ago, we are going to look at some of the Green Zone tools that we recommend to be used within our relationships. We will certainly come back to focusing on the individual because that is the way we grow – working a little on bringing ourselves to the Green, then bringing our relationships to the Green and then we give some attention to the systems in which we exist, and then come back to the self again.   So here we go!

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This week let’s move on to another one of my very favourite Green Zone concepts. Definitely, a central strategy in my Policy Manual, I see it as a bit of emotional magic! And our clients and our readers have also found it quick, easy and powerful. It is a concept called the Emotional Raincoat.

The Emotional Raincoat is a symbolic term for the problem-solving strategies that help protect or buffer the tension of a recurring Yellow or Red Zone situation. The strategies are designed to be specific to a situation and are best when planned in advance.

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This has been one of favourite tools in My Personal Policy Manual for many years, because as a young adult I would be riddled with guilt over the smallest error. Gradually, I realized that, in addition to correcting my critical and unhelpful self-talk, I could also do somethings directly about the mistake. These are the actions that I take when I’ve made a mistake and I find they also help ease the guilt and help me move on.

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Last week we talked about a very powerful concept, the power of our inner dialogue or self talk. How did you find the idea of the connection between what you are thinking and what you are feeling? I hope you are able to see the value of being aware of your thoughts and keeping them as accurate as possible. We were delighted to receive quite a number of very insightful comments about the significance of this concept. Please continue to listen to your inner dialogue, or more often your inner critic, if you are feeling distressed!

This week we are going to focus on a dimension of ourselves that may be a little more subtly but very powerful, none the less, it is our unique gift!

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Bette Davis and I have been part of the Green Zone Team from the very beginning. Bette, who has served as a therapist, leader and teacher in mental health for more than forty years, is my colleague, co-therapist and co-author of the Green Zone Book Series. I have always been impressed by her knowledge, experience and wisdom. She has inspired so many people in her life and has been a role model for many students and patients. So when I invited her to share some of her wisdom in our Blogs she kindly agreed. In the next few weeks you will read her Blogs but I will still be here to read and respond to your comments.

Peacefully,

Dr. Sohail

 

Thus far in our Green Zone Blog, Sohail has been in the driver’s seat, but I am thrilled to switch places with him for a few weeks and share with you initially some of my personal concepts regarding our individual emotional health. Then a little later I’d like to talk about some of the Green Zone strategies that work in our relationships with our Dear Ones.

Okay? So here we go!

It is my deep belief that one of the central gifts and goals of the Green Zone Philosophy is to help people develop tools in their Toolkits to enhance emotional and relationship intelligence, to become smarter about how we behave in relationships with ourselves and others.

I grew up surrounded by incredible dysfunction, which was confusing and distressing. Later when I was in charge of my own life and had to figure out how to create a Green Zone lifestyle from Red Zone roots, I was really stumped.

Overtime, I figured it out. The strategies I developed were grouped together in what I eventually called my Policy Manual. So let me share with you some of my strategies in my Green Zone Policy Manual.

First up, Triggers and Red Zone Thinking.

I knew I needed to figure out the situations and people that triggered me to go to the Yellow and Red Zones, and I also needed to figure out strategies to get me back to the Green Zone. Although I found there were toxic people who needed to be dealt with, my main way of getting derailed was Red Zone Thinking. I gradually realized that the first step to being happier and coping better is an inside job – in other words, changing the Red Zone Thinking or the inner dialogue in my own head.

They (you know, the Wise Ones) say that we have over 50,000 thoughts every day and 90% are the same as the day before! We have these perpetual thought patterns of self-talk that go unchecked and unchanged automatically day after day, year after year. And many are as old as when we made our foundational thought patterns, before the age of 7! I realized my self-talk was full of unkind, pessimistic and highly inaccurate information. Wow, what a shock to realize that a traumatized 7 year old was running my life!

Sohail and I have written about Green Zone communication within a relationship and, of course, that is vital for relationship health, but it all starts with having kind, respectful, loving and accurate self-talk in your own head! When I am working with clients I don’t often have to ask what their self-talk is, because they tell me in the comments they make about themselves!

So the first Step, was to be aware of how I talked to myself and then how I felt. I stood back a bit in my own head and observed – What am I thinking? How do I feel? At the beginning, I found it helpful to do this several times a day, particularly when I was feeling something intense. So I would just try to get a little distance from the situation and ask: What am I thinking? How do I feel? Sometimes switching it around also works. How do I feel? What am I thinking? I have to say at the beginning, many years ago, it wasn’t a pretty picture! But gradually I realized I was able to control the accuracy and kindness of my thoughts which helped me treat myself better. I learned to treat myself as well as I treat others, and to surround myself with people who nurtured and respected me.

The second Step, was to find the fastest and most effective ways to correct this Red Zone thinking. I learned that there are over 50 techniques to correct our twisted self-talk! But there is one that became my favourite.  I think it is the quickest and most magical of them all.  It is called the Double Standard.  It is where you consider how you would speak to a Dear One in the same situation, compared to how you speak to yourself. If someone we loved was distressed about a mistake they had made, for example, you would show some compassion in your comments and you would be aware of your language. You likely wouldn’t be as overwhelmingly harsh as many people are with themselves, sometimes years later.

So now it’s your turn. First, when you are distressed through this next week, ask yourself: What am I thinking? How do I feel? and listen to what you are saying to yourself. And then, think about how that inner dialogue would affect a Dear One in the same situation and how you would change it to be more accurate and kind.

Wishing you a great week in your Green Zone.

Warmly,

Bette

Bette Davis RN BN MN with Dr. K. Sohail

To have a better understanding of the one of the dynamics and potential conflicts in relationships, I have developed a theory called the Business Model and Love Model.

In the Business Model, the emphasis is on achieving the goals of the organization. People contribute according to their roles and responsibilities usually in a fair and equitable way. Employees can be more easily replaced and there is less emphasis on relationships.

On the other hand, in the Love Model, the focus is on nurturing the relationship. There is less focus on keeping score and most often people go above and beyond to do things lovingly for each other. Read More

As a psychotherapist, I meet so many people everyday who have lost their dreams. They look and feel sad. When I interview them I find out they have no goals, no passions and no dreams. They do not live, they just exist. The more I get to know them and hear their stories, the more I realize that they had dreams as children and as teenagers. They wanted to become scientists and artists, poets and philosophers, musicians and athletes, teachers and professors, reformers and revolutionaries but they did not find parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers and principals, neighbors and ministers, who believed in their dreams. They did not find good role models and became involved in the struggles and responsibilities of day to day life. Sadly, they lost their dreams on the way. They work hard just to pay for the basics. They work too much and play too little.

Many people come to see us as they have heard of the Green Zone Philosophy. They want help to get over their sadness and lead a happy, healthy and peaceful life that we call Green Zone Living. After introducing them to Green Zone Therapy, I share with them that according to Green Zone Philosophy, there are three parts to the personality:

1. Natural Self
2. Conditioned Self
3. Creative Self

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